4 – Sex & Church
3 April 2021
Sexuality within fundamentalist Christian environments is a complex issue, often laden with fear, control, and hypocrisy. This episode from I was a Teenage Fundamentalist. An Exvangelical podcast delves into these experiences, offering a space for those who have left or are leaving similar backgrounds to reflect and connect.
One of the initial points raised is the obsession with sex within certain religious groups. T recalls his experiences in the Revival Centre, which he describes as a cult: “The Revival Centres were obsessed with sex. As young people, the dangers and evils of sex, you could be kicked out of the Revival Centres for life for having sex”. This intense focus created a warped view of sexuality, where even minor physical contact could lead to forced marriages.
Leaving such an environment often leads to a period of exploration and, at times, “maladaptive coping strategies”. T describes partying, clubbing, and casual sex as part of his journey after leaving the Revival Centres. This transition highlights the stark contrast between the restrictive environment of fundamentalism and the freedoms (and potential pitfalls) of the outside world.
Even within more mainstream Pentecostal churches like Assemblies of God (AOG), prudish attitudes toward sex persist. The podcast recounts an experience where T, newly committed to the AOG, was confronted by a youth pastor, named Pastor J, about a rumour (albeit true) that he had been sleeping with a young woman from the church. The incident triggered memories of the control and lack of trust he experienced in the Revival Centres.
This leads to a crucial theme: the church’s perceived right to intrude into individuals’ private lives. As T notes, “This is not your business, I was thinking to myself”. The justification often lies in the idea of maintaining “purity” within the church. Pastor B, another youth pastor, expressed concern that T hadn’t disclosed his sexual activity, highlighting the expectation of transparency and the belief that individual actions could affect the entire community.
The podcast hosts discuss the idea that if church leaders “can get you to tell them your deepest darkest secrets and most intimate details, they’ve got a level of control or hold over you”. This dynamic creates an environment where fear and the desire for acceptance can lead to betrayal, as members may report each other’s transgressions to maintain their standing within the group.
The consequences of these transgressions varied. In some cases, individuals were removed from the church for a period. This response often felt contradictory to the messages of grace and acceptance. One of the speakers, B, recalls thinking, “I’ve heard about grace, love and acceptance, but do something wrong and you don’t get that”.
Another significant point is the hypocrisy often present within these communities. While premarital sex is heavily condemned, other sins like greed and judgement are often overlooked. B recalls a mega-church full of wealthy people where social justice was absent and people living on the street were ushered to the back.
The podcast further explores the internal struggles faced by individuals trying to reconcile their desires with religious teachings. B, who was engaged and living with his fiancée before marriage, recounts lying to Pastor B about whether they were sleeping together. Despite feeling guilty, they continued their relationship, eventually justifying it by claiming they were “married in the eyes of God”. B was in youth leadership at the time. He expected some sort of backlash, but there wasn’t any.
Even within marriage, the restrictive mindset of fundamentalism can create challenges. The hosts discuss conversations about what is “permissible” in marriage, including debates over oral sex. T recalls someone saying “the demon of oral sex is called Succubus”. He was told that so long as you’re keeping the marriage bed pure, it was ok, which T called a non-answer.
The episode also touches on the damaging effects of shame and guilt surrounding masturbation. The condemnation of lustful thoughts led to a constant cycle of guilt, with one of the speakers joking about trying to “not think” while masturbating.
The AIDS epidemic of the 1980s was also mentioned as a source of fear and further reinforcement of restrictive sexual ethics. The church often presented AIDS as “a curse from God because of sexual promiscuity and homosexuality”.
Ultimately, the podcast highlights the importance of individual agency and critical thinking when navigating these complex issues. As one of the speakers notes, individuals often “pick and choose your truths and connect them all together to make up your story”.
Leaving fundamentalism is a journey of deconstruction and reconstruction. It involves questioning ingrained beliefs, challenging hypocrisy, and ultimately, defining one’s own values and boundaries. It’s about realising that your worth isn’t tied to your sexual behaviour or adherence to arbitrary rules. It’s about finding freedom from the “big black book” and embracing a more authentic and compassionate understanding of yourself and the world.
If you’re grappling with similar experiences, know that you’re not alone. There’s a whole community of people here ready to share, listen, and support you on your journey. Stick around, explore the blog, listen to the podcast, and let’s navigate this path together.